Special Help for Special Needs

#240 Flattery or Praise

If you praise your child for things that are not praiseworthy you set them up for false impressions of accomplishment.

Praising behavior that is not worthy of praise is disingenuous- it is flattery.
Flattery makes praise for actual accomplishments seem hallow.
It sets a precedence that every action should receive applause, no matter how insignificant.

I do not mean that praise should be stiffled.  On the contrary, genuine praise should be given liberally to children, and it should focus on accomplishments and positive character traits.  

Flattery:  A child is refusing to participate in therapy and the mother says “You are doing a nice job of sitting quietly.”

Praise:  A child increases their accuracy on a therapy task from 40% to 65% accuracy.  The mother says “That was great work!  Your practice is paying off.  You are getting better every week!”

 

#239 You Need Mentors

Unless you have figured out all the answers to life’s questions, you should find some mentors.  Personally, I have several people that I consider mentors for marriage, business, faith, exercise, money, people skills, and in several other areas.  When I need guidance or have questions I talk to them.  

Unless you have mastered the art of parenting, I strongly encourage you to find several people that you look up to as parents and make them your mentors.  You don’t need to tell them that they are your mentors (although that would be fine).  You just need to spend time with them, study them, and try to adopt the traits that you admire.

If you want to be rich, you do what rich people do.  If you want to be a person of great faith, you will mimic the actions of the faithful.  If you want to be a great parent, study people that are great parents and walk in their footsteps.

I wish you the best as you seek mentors that help you become the person you want to be.

 

#238 Every Effort, Every Teachable Moment, Every Conversation

Jim Collins, an insightful business author describes companies that achieve great results as if they were a giant flywheel that weights several tons.  Initially, it takes great effort to get the flywheel to budge just a few inches and it takes several hours to make one revolution.  After a while, the flywheel moves slightly faster with a little less effort.  The momentum builds and after a while flywheel is turning with great speed with little additional effort.  

If someone were to walk up at the end of this process and ask “what was the one major push that sent this thing reeling?” you would look at him with a puzzled expression because there is no such thing as “one big event”.  It is culmination of every effort that results in the tremendous momentum.

This image also holds true for children.  Don’t expect one big moment to set the course for your child’s life.  It is the culmination of every effort, every teachable moment, every conversation.  Consistent pushing in the right direction creates remarkable momentum.  Sometimes the pushing will seem fruitless but the continual efforts will result in children that are successful, contributing, well-adjusted individuals.

 

#237 Don’t Dabble. Commit!

Recently I had a parent ask me if I would be willing to be her child’s feeding consultant.  She suggested that we could to meet every-so-often (maybe once a month) so I could make suggestions on normalizing her child’s eating.  This child throws up when anything more than a puree texture touches her lips.

My response-  It won’t work.  To make the gradual but major changes that are required there must be a level of intensity and frequency.  If those two components are not present, this parent will be wasting their money, the child will not improve, and I will be perceived as unable to help.

You will never learn to swim if you just dip your toe in the water.  You must commit!  Jump in with both feet.  Yes, it is scary to become very focused because, despite your efforts, it might fail.  However, if you don’t fully commit to the decision (if you dabble) you are practically guaranteed to fail.  

Find something that you think will work for your child and your family and go full force.  

 

#236 Are you Training or Being Trained?

People behave the way they do and say the things they say because they think it will get them what they want.  

If your child is acting defiant, having tantrums, ignoring you, or whining, ask yourself why.   

• When they have been defiant in public, do you have a history of of pacifying them to stop people from staring?

• If your 4 year old is having tantrums, do you give what they want?

• If they ignore you, will you end up doing the job they were suppose to do just to get it over with?

• When they start whining, do you give in because you are exhausted and just want a moment of peace?

If the answer to any of the above questions is yes, Congratulations!!! You have been successfully trained by your child.  

If you decide that you are ready for a change, you can start training your child anytime.  Strong parents discipline themselves to discipline their child*.  Training involves discipline.  Discipline is an unfashionable term for shaping behavior.  You shape them by consistently pursuing and reinforcing the behaviors you want.

It is vital that you train your child so that one day they can train their children.  Without training and discipline we will have immature, self-centered, whiners running the world without respect for others, throwing tantrums every time they don’t get their way.

Why has notion of discipline become such a taboo with some parents? 

 

*Special thanks for John Miller and his thoughts expressed in “Parenting the QBQ Way”

 

#235 Faulty Logic

Faulty logic-  If a little bit of medicine makes me feel good, then the entire bottle of medicine will make me feel great

This sort of faulty logic is also seen with some trying to implement a sensory diet without the help of someone trained in sensory integration and sensory processing.  For instance, I have recently seen well intentioned parents/caregivers... 

• Keep a weighted vest on their child for 4-5 hours at a time
• Allow their child to wear sound blocking head phones all day
• Be pushy with new foods to expand the textures, tastes, and temperatures their child tolerates.

When it seems like your child needs a change in their sensory diet, talk with your therapist to make sure any changes are an appropriate and not counter indicated.

 

#234 Raising the bar

I’ve recently seen a commercial for a life insurance company that highlights people going the extra mile to help out a stranger.  

 The odd part of the ad is that the acts of kindness are not really out of the way or exceedingly thoughtful.  For instance, there is an image of someone holding the door for a blind person.  Then there is a shot of a woman stopping a child from running into traffic.    

 When these are touted as super-acts of kindness, I wonder how much the bar has been lowered.   THis commercial makes it appear like these spontaneous acts embody our highest virtues.  No, this is being a responsible human being. We are capable of so much more.  

 I ask myself...

• What can I do to raise the bar in serving others?
• How can I ease the burden of others today?
• How many people can I serve/help out in a day?

 

#233 Never Wait for "The Mood"

What would happen if you skipped work for 6 or 7 days in a row, and when they call to find out what was going on, you told them that you were not “in the mood” for working, but would be back when the mood hit you.

I can tell you what would happen- your work place would increase your freedom exponentially by firing you.  

All of us, instead of waiting for “the mood” get up and do the work.  When it comes to our day job we do the work, whether you feel like it or not.  

Your children are your work.  You must do the work.  Helping them with homework, going to ball games, taking them to therapy, parent-teacher conferences, playing catch, teaching them to tie their shoes, listening to them, reading them books, and much more constitute the work.  

Sometimes work is enjoyable, sometimes it is the last thing in the world you want to do, but doing the work should never be contingent upon your mood.

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 [Special thanks for Steven Pressfield for his insight on this subject]

 

#232 Why Every Child Should Have An IEP

IEP= Individualized Education Program.  Generally, only children with special needs will receive an IEP from the school system.

If your child’s educational plan is not individualized, then (by definition) it is generic, cookie-cutter, routine, run-of-the-mill, undistinguished, stereotypical, the same-ole same ole, unremarkable, and one-size-fits all.  

For my children, I would rather have an educational plan that is child-specific, tailored, custom, and specialized. I want my child to have an educational plan that capitalizes on their unique strengths and gives special attention to areas that need extra support. 

In an ideal, situation all children would have an IEP.

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#231 Help Language Impaired Children Discuss Their Day

One of the simplest activities you can do to foster language skills and family unity is to let each person talk about their day around the dinner table or at bedtime.  However some children don’t have the skills to verbalize the events of their day.  

Here is an idea-  invest in an wrist watch with a timer and an ipod touch (or any handheld device with a simple camera).  Set the timer to go off once ever hour or two hours.  The alarm will serve as a cue for the child’s teacher, parent, caregiver (whatever) to take a photo of whatever the child is doing at that moment.  The entire process will take about 5 seconds and you will can look through the pictures during dinner or at bedtime and have great stimulus items to talk about with your child.

Yes, there may be some teachers or aides that refuse to use the camera, but that opens up more opportunity to talk about how you can stay informed with what is going on in your child’s day!  Many teachers will jump at the chance to work on language skills and increase parent involvement.

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